Wednesday, June 28, 2006

as busy as a bee; as busy as me

Busy, busier, busiest….
But still have time to write something here

I have passed my IELTS. Actually, I just barely passed it, hehehe.
So, I can move on with the next step… right now, I am waiting for the JPA meeting to endorse my PhD application. In the mean time, I have to attend BTN, but most probably I will go for the BTN in August. Then I have to prepare the PhD; proposal, learn C, PERL and R. I am not an expert in any of those programming and script languages. Surely, I have to spend a lot of time to learn them. And then read journals and books; I love reading, but since I started working, I rarely have the opportunity to read as much as I did before. I missed my books, hehehe. Especially my novels la…

I shouldn’t complain, right? That’s what Malays love to do. I just have to cope with my problems, and do my best.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

“what doesn’t kills you makes you stronger”

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.

After surviving the busiest week of the year, I have to face another difficulty; the toughest so far in my life. My beloved father passed away yesterday, 10th June, 2006, around 11 am. I was in Kuala Lumpur, attending a symposium from 6th June to 8th June at the PNB Darby Park. After the symposium, I stay in Kuala Lumpur for my IELTS examination on the 10th June. I didn’t bring my phone during the examination, as I don’t want any distraction during the examination. Luckily, I was the first candidate for the speaking test, after the listening and reading test. So, I finished earlier than others. I went to KLCC for lunch, because I didn’t eat anything since morning. After lunch, I went back to my friend’s house at Puchong, and arrived there around 3 pm. When I checked my phone, I got about 15 miss calls and a message from my sister, asking me to contact her as soon as possible. When I called her, she then tells me the bad news about our father. The bad news stunned me for a while, but I know that I have to remain calm. I have to move fast and go back to Kota Bharu immediately. I asked for my friend’s help to send me to the ERL station in Bandar Tasik Selatan. I spent more than half an hour at the ERL station, and got my coach to the KLIA. I arrived at the KLIA around 5, and bought 3 tickets (for me and my two sisters) to Kota Bharu. The flight is fully booked, and we are placed in the waiting list. Luckily, there are enough seats on the 10.35 pm flight, and we can go back to Kota Bharu that night. I tried my best not to cry when I met my sisters… In fact, I have already cried in the ERL… I don’t want show my sadness to my sisters, because I have to take control over the matter. During the flight, I was still hoping that I was only dreaming about the whole thing. We arrived at Kota Bharu around 12 midnight. We spent more than an hour in our journey, due to the bad weather. Luckily, we survived and landed safely.

I sincerely thank my friends, relatives, and everyone who supported me during this very difficult time; Eric, Mun, Sue, Silah, Mazney, Vin, Azwan, Along, Shera, Norimi, Reza, Zera, Wandi, Azami, Boy, Pn Selamah, Iwan, Syi, Atam, Ady, Erul, Nik, FairuzKUSTEM, Fathy, Nazar, Auni, Nina, Prof Abu, Nana, Wai, etc. And especially for Dr Stuetzle who provided a lot of help for my PhD preparation during this hard time; my proposal & admission process.

Only those who experienced it will understand exactly how it feels. It is a very difficult time, but we have to move on with our life…

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Saturday, June 03, 2006

enjoyable and inspiring

Memories (One Piece theme song)** I really love one piece; enjoyable and inspiring

A treasure map from my childhood floats within my head…It was a place I was always searching for, a place of miracles…So that I wouldn't lose to some stranger.
The days now are filled with nothing but dust…Someday I'll entrust my body to all the time in the world.
If the world were to change, I'd bring along, the self from the time in which I knew nothing…So that my memories won't fade.
I've been singing a song since I was a child...Whenever I dreamt about it, my heart was warmed…A secret melody that was copied by everybody...So that next time, we may hear it sung well.
All we're doing now is sighing…No one can yet grasp onto our true dreams.
If the era were to return, I'd bring along, the self from the time in which I knew tears…So that I wouldn't be able to overtake the moment.
If the world were to change, I'd bring along, the self from the time in which I knew nothing…So that my memories won't fade…So that I wouldn't be able to overtake the moment.


Ngantuknyer… tapi hati dah lega sikit skang, sebab aku dah emailkan proposal aku dekat Dr Stuetzle. Cuma dua hari aku ambik masa untuk siapkan proposal aku. Boleh la agak kan, seteruk mana proposal tu. Aku pun tak puas hati dengan kerja aku…Tapi, pada pendapat aku, proposal kajian sebenarnya tak penting buat masa ni. Sebab utama ialah struktur pengajian yang akan aku ikuti. Mula2, aku kena mulakan dengan program DEA, ‘Doctorate de Science Applique’, yang aku pun tak faham apa maksud sebenarnya. Yang aku boleh agak, ala2 macam buat coursework sikit. Paling cepat aku boleh habiskan DEA ialah selama setahun. Jadi, dalam masa setahun, banyak perkara yang boleh berlaku. Kemungkinan untuk tukar projek pun sangat tinggi, mengikut kata2 bakal supervisor aku tu. Apa pun, aku dah emailkan proposal dekat bakal supervisor, dan harap2 dia akan bagi cadangan macam mana nak baiki supaya lebih baik dan orang lain pun boleh faham apa yang aku tulis. Kalau aku sorang je yang paham, ape guna kan. Sepatutnya aku antar proposal tu lebih awal untuk dia semak, sebab besok aku kena hantar proposal tu pada pendaftar. Paling lewat pun, aku kena hantar proposal tu pagi lusa, sama2 dengan permohonan cuti. Sepatut-patutnya aku kena hantar minggu depan, tapi sebab minggu depan aku cuti selama seminggu, terpaksa aku berkorban sikit, siapkan kerja lebih awal.

Minggu lepas (sampai malam ni) dah dinobatkan sebagai minggu paling sibuk bagi aku dalam tahun ni. Mulai hari Isnin lepas, sampai hari ni, Ahad; satu malam je aku tak tido di pejabat; hari2 lain, aku cuma balik rumah untuk mandi, tukar baju, basuh baju, makan, solat jumaat; dan waktu2 lain aku habiskan di pejabat; buat kerja la konon. Bukan aku rajin, tapi terpaksa sebab nak kejar tarikh2 penting yang semakin dekat. Kalau ikutkan hati dan nafsu tido, memang aku tak sanggup nak tido malam dekat pejabat, sengsorang pulak tu. Tapi ada gak mulut2 sumbang yang gatal tanya aku; “malam2 gi pejabat, gaji berapa naik?”, ni soalan kalau g pejabat. Kalau x g pejabat, ada lak yang tanya, apsal aku x g pejabat pulak? Entah la, manusia ni, buat apa pun, ada je yang tak kena. Kekadang, naik angin jugak sebab time2 tertekan dan kerja banyak, dia main tanya camtu pulak. Takpe, bila aku dah abis kerja2 ni, aku nak bercuti panjang. Aku dah janji dengan kawan aku, nak g jalan2 tengok pemandangan. Kalau ada duit, boleh jalan2 cari makan skali.

28 Mei lepas, aku dapat email dari To’ Puan tentang pertambahan kuota untuk sambung belajar. To’ Puan maklumkan aku yang kuota untuk sambung belajar tahun ni ditambah daripada 30 kepada 55 orang, pertambahan sebanyak 25 orang lagi. Secara logiknya, mesti kuota untuk ke UK jugak bertambah. Dan sekali lagi secara logiknya, seharusnya peluang aku untuk ke UK lebih cerah. Tapi sayang, aku dah pun hilang minat nak ke sana. Bukan 100% tak minat, tapi aku dah tak rasa ada apa2 yang penting lagi yang memerlukan aku untuk ke sana. Kalau dua bulan lepas To’ Puan maklumkan berita macam ni pada aku, rasanya aku dah siap2 untuk sambung belajar skang ni. Mesti ada hikmah apa yang berlaku selama beberapa bulan ni. Cuma aku yang masih belum sedar. Biar masa yang tentukan apa akan berlaku nanti.